| (no subject) |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|04:11 pm] |
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In such a colorless world, the sky white as if wrapped in paper and we are one big gift to some higher being (surprise!) I saw light, I saw reflections of color, dazzling. Beautiful and glorios. It happened Monday eve as I trudged through the snow, slush up to my ankles, wind biting my face like trillions of microscopic diamond dust, sharp and destructive. Everybody is a dead soul. And then, there was Brad, and he asked me for a cigarette!!! only I only had one left, so we passed it back and forth the glowing ember of the tip a tiny glowing jewel, enflaring with each inhalation and into every corner and crevice of those branched lungs of his, o how i wish i could be the carbon monoxide that you inhale!!! you beautiful creature, you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2005|05:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Flaw | ] |
Things are looking up.
Brad. He's the most wonderful person in the world. He is the image of true beauty, and He knows it. But He's so level headed and I cannot believe someone who has such a power over me does not take advantage of it.
Of course, He still has no idea how wonderful I think I think He is. He is going to be my savior. He is going to take me away from this mess.
And what a mess.
If something's not broken, it's only a matter of time bfeore it is. does that make sense?
It seems like my life is falling apart. Not even; it's more unraveling.
Yeah, I think I'll call it that.
it's unraveling. the comfort of my life is deteriorating like its sugar in water. At the same time, He makes it alright. Its like, though the sugar is mishapen and sludgy, its still sugar...and sweet. It still tastes sweet.
It's awful and wonderful at the same time.
mom's new boyfriend, Leo, making things complicated. It's like, I just want to come home after a long day at school, and I hate it so much I just want to curl up and be alone and he is always THERE and just always wants to talk or go bowling or some stupid shit and it just makes me so angry. He wears argyle socks, and he's serious about it. he's such a douche, I don't see what mom sees in him. She could do a lot better.
WEll, things are ALWAYS looking up with Brad. I'm going to tell him. |
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| yes, little gina, the butter is gone |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|08:51 pm] |
one of mine:
The parting of my hair
inside my little shell
bleeds
my personal little hell
all the little animals wathed me as i fell
such a nicer sister
i cannot find you anywhere
whats happening/
my clock just stopped
i'm a little behind
it went by too fast
it had to rewind
so perfect is teh little wind
that blows an ugly path
it feels as though it doesn't show
yes, little gina
the butter is gone
and she's the only one left |
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| Winter comes with promises of pain |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|08:20 pm] |
The wind is bitter. It pulls my blood vessels from beneath my skin, to its surface, making my cheeks rosy. Some would call this cute, but I want to stab cute in its fucking gullet.
These rosy cheeks are blood-filled and receive only pain. The pain of the resistance to conformity, and the pain of negativity, lust.
The snow is white. White is purity. Snowmen in the yards made the neighborhood children - could it be anymore decietful? Mankind should be black in soul. Everyone's soul is dark as the inner pits of volcanic suffering, and ash.
I started school again this fall...the leaves were all dying, and all I could think about was death. This season means death. Winter means death. Spring begins life, but only to be again killed as the weather cools. Why bother?
It's pointless.
Sometimes, I wish I could mate with Death himself.
How splendid our children would be.
We'd have a black picket fence, the wood warped from the wind, and a dead flower garden I will lovingly tend to with my spit. What a perfect life that would be, oh how I long for it.
///...,,,,////....;;;;''''';';';'./kldsufuifdfdu
Twenty four cracks
in the sidewalk
I've counted them all
It was a waste
of time but I
was waiting for your call
What else can you
do when you can't go
far from home
What else can you
do when you're
waiting all alone
Twenty five cracks
In the sidewalk
I didn't count them all
Twenty five, the one I
missed, the one that
caught my fall
That is a song by a group called Pandora. It really speaks to my black heart. |
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| back. |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|09:27 pm] |
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It's summertime now, and how I despise the sun and all it's beautiful golden children. Those glorious people walking, talking, fucking and their deep brown summer tans. fuck them. i hide behind my pale mask. it's all i have now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2005|08:23 pm] |
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sorry for the lack of updates. i was insititunalized after my grandmother found the diary in which ihad written of my misery in blood |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2004|09:16 pm] |
school. school. school.
today my math teacher yelled at me because i didn't do my math homework for like the third straight day in a row, i mean i WOULD have turned in my homework had i not got blood all over it. seriously, this has to stop, i mean sometimes i bleed so much it scares me. but i can't help it. i have an obsession with it.
i also have an obsession with *him*. i think about him all the tiem. i think about him and me, making love by candlelight udring a thunder and lightning storm. rain pelting on the roof. it would be so beautiful, just so, so beautiful.
of course that won't happen.
and that's why i bleed.
that;s why i burn. |
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| beauty isnt only skin deep |
[Dec. 13th, 2004|03:59 pm] |
Ive discovered the true definition of beauty.
Bradley Micheal Folker.
a lot of people think that beauty isnt constant, that it comes and goes like waves.
but they are wrong. ive been to the ocean. despite its indecisive motions; despite its fickle flowing; its always constant. its beauty is constant.
whether the flow is coming or releasing, its still a graceful, fluid motion. it moves like a long-legged dancer; slowly, so you can drink in each moment.
its aware of its beauty, as does a dancer. knows its important, knows you are captivated, and intends to keep you that way.
its aware of the effect it has. so it intensifies its beauty.
but not all beautiful things are like that.
some dont know how lovely they really are...so they continue, unaware, not spoiling it, which makes it even more beautiful.
beautiful to me.
he is beautiful to me. |
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| Im in love |
[Dec. 9th, 2004|09:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nirvana | ] |
is it possible to be addicted to a person? its so easy to become addicted to something if you allow it to devour you..but isnt it true that sometimes what youre addicted to will be your downfall? nothing good can come of addictions.
but in this case, addiction is all i have. im addicted in my mind, but not physically.
is it possible to be addicted to something youve never had?
this seems to be my case. i spend my nights crying and my mornings trying to calm my puffy eyes. i dont want him to see me like this.
he has no clue of his effect.
my heart is breaking a little more each day, but is instantly repaired so easily. but only one can be an effect of the other, coming from a central cause.
help my cause. tell me you love me?
heal my wounds. fix my life.
love me now. |
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| oops.. |
[Dec. 7th, 2004|05:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | in love | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Marilyn Manson | ] |
havent updated in a while. im back, though.
my lifes been busy...my mom grounded me from my comp of course because i failed a math test. i fucking hate my math teacher. hes such a fucking tool. and he hates me.
but oh man im in love. his name is brad, and hes 6'3 with huge brown eyes and black hair that he wears in his eyes. i want to kiss him all of the time. but he has no idea.
i just met him a little while ago, and if he knew how much i cared for him hed probably freak out cuz ive only known him a few weeks.
youre so beautiful
and you dont even know it
i wonder if youve ever seen yourself?
do you even understand how beautiful you really are?
has anyone ever told you?
i dont think you have a clue.
and if you do, youre wonderful about it.
you must understand how lovely you are, and that youre a gift from the heavens.
but not a gift for me.
you came from the sky
the most beautiful creation
were you meant for someone else?
are we meant to be?
i cant tell you how you feel
although i know youd understand.
you love yourself, but youre not in love with yourself.
im in love with you.
if only i could tell you.
i watch you from afar, walking towards me.
your shadow casts from over my shoulder
and i act as if i didnt know of your presence
in reality, it fillz me up with such a warmth
that im afraid i may combust
love me, please. |
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| my heart is bleeding, every day for you... |
[Dec. 1st, 2004|11:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
what a horrible day.
i woke up late, of course. i didnt go to school though, cause i figured its not worth it when you feel as sad and shitty as i did today.
the only thing that made today worthwhile was the rain.
its like each time it rains, the old me washes away and a new emerges. but that new me is always the same. i dont know, i wish i were someone else.
electric shock
a newly conceived pulse
im back to life
here i am
open your arms
im whole again
youre standing so close to me, and i cant help but wonder what your thinking. do you want to love me? do you want to hurt me? do you want to love me then hurt me, or hurt me then love me? is your hurting me justified if in the end you console me? no, its not. back away. back away from me now. i can already feel myself changing. im becoming my worst nightmare.
ive become you.
but youve become me.
im not sure which is worse. |
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| i;ve been thinking a lot lately.....; |
[Nov. 29th, 2004|01:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
often times i wonder what is in my vains. is it blood at all? is it truely the liquid of life, the color of lust? i don't feel alive. it is poison. poisonous, toxic, lethal..... yet so .... beautiful. that is the danger of beauty. i become fixated on my wrist, watching it drip slowly down my arm, leaving behind its own trail like a slimey icky snail. a red one.
red isn't the color of love. hallmark and valentine's day has it wrong. red is the color of death. *sigh* but like always, there is the beauty. beauty in death.
death is more sacred than love. death is reliable. it's there, it's waiting for me, for you, for youre lover, for my dog. hovering over each and every dying calendar like a dark rain cloud. once it rains. that is when we die. we perish. the ground won't seem so cold then, it will be a bed of truth. death is truth.
love is lies. love is razors.
I can not even bear to look at that word anymore, let alone speak it. it's like a bad word uttered in a schoolyard.
oh ps,
THATS FUCKING AWESOME... I FUCKING HATE BRITENY SLUTSPEARS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2004|02:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
well this is my new journal. here i will share all of my lost thoughts. they have to go somewhere, right? i mean, somewhere besides my cursed wrists. i need to scar the internet as much as i scar my own body, lol. anywayz ill write a little about my day. today is the day i died. you watched and took a photograph of my suffering. you framed it and hung it by your bed. my soul is tortured, trapped within this bottle of gin. you drank me. you are my bartender from hell. you serve me a drink of death. i am in hell. i am burning. your fingerprints are burnt into my eyes and skin. i feel you, i can't touch you, STOP THIS NOW. ...stop. your hurting me. can;t you see?
...don't you care?
I'm hurt. my blood is on your hands. you've killed me. |
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